Where Jorie Pretends

My last real post was in....August....I really should be working harder to make use of this journal.
So let's see, what's going on with me?
It usually takes me a couple of hours to fall asleep due to the fact that I never learned how to turn off my mind. However, I'm working to change this. I already follow the bed-is-for-sleeping-and-sex-only rule, not that it's hard seeing as I'm not having sex with anyone and the computer/tv/kitchen/couches/bathroom/other people are not in my room. I hear having a set bedtime routine helps too, so I'm trying to start one. I have a "fan mix" I downloaded a couple months ago that is pretty mellow, Enya-esque music. I listen to it while I finish up whatever I'm doing on the computer and then go to bed. I think it's helped some. The next thing I'm going to try is what I'm doing now. Instead of checking email, or facebook, or engaging in other such activities while listening to that mix, I'm going to try to write here or in an actual paper journal. I'm hoping that if I acknowledge and explore the things running around in my head, they will consider themselves released in to the universe, or, at least, not bother me while I try to fall asleep.

I'm job hunting. Sort of. I should really start looking and applying for jobs instead of thinking about what I want and hoping it will fall into my lap.
I've also been thinking about the term "job hunting." That term focuses on searching for something you don't have, but to manifest something, you have to see it as already here. So I'm pondering using a term more like "job finding," or, "perfect-job finding."

The other thing I want to write about is what finally got me back to writing in this thing. One of the reasons I created this journal is so I had a place to "talk" about the things I'm afraid to talk to anyone about. I'm about to talk about one of those things, which has to do with my body

( Adult content ahead. You've been warned. )
OK, whew. Got that off my chest. Done. Time to spell check and go to bed. Let's hope I update again soon.

::sighs:: I mean to keep this updated. Honest. But I got busy. Out of town and stuff. Then I just wasn't in the habit. I'm gonna work on it. Promise.
But I have been keeping up with my friends page....or at least, the slash and Tokio Hotel communities.

What are you talking about, I so have a life out side of the internet.....

But seriously. Tokio Hotel is addicting. Bill = gorgeous. Georg = sexy. Me = happy. A gal can dream, right?

Have I mentioned that I need to re-evaluate the purpose and use of this journal? Well, I do. I'll get to that, eventually.

I really am trying to update regularly, I just never come up with thing to write about. In addition, my computer and I have been having virus issues. I really will try to update more. I'm home a for a few days, so that may help.

I realized a few minutes ago that hiding, or, maybe, not standing out, is just a part of who I am. And maybe that's the problem. I should learn to embrace who I am, instead of trying to change myself. I still need a place display everything I hide though, so this journal will still be in use, of course.

More, eventually

I just want to say, while I remember, that I don't do drugs, smoke, or drink alcohol. When I'm looking for a relationship, I'm going to want that person to do the same. Drinking alcohol is negotiable. Casually, a drink or two, I believe I could live with, but not piss-drunk on a regular basis. Drugs, smoking, I'm dead-set against.
I haven't yet figured out how I feel about dating an omnivore. It's a possibility, but I imagine I'd require there be some serious oral scrubbage before their mouth came near me.
I was crushing a bit on the singer for Tokio Hotel, 'cause gods, he's GORGEOUS!!! Seriously. But then I saw pics of him smoking, and I'm sad. Oh well. Boys will be boys

Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it’s overrated, living this way
She took her hair down, left her sweater on the floor
She’s not a nice girl anymore

She says I won’t apologize
Stand up girls, and dry your eyes
And I’ll see you on the other side of good

Where we sing Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na

She paints her fingernails in black, she’s on the run
On the wrong side of the tracks where life is fun
Points a finger, but there’s nobody to blame
All the people in her memory look the same

She says I won’t apologize
Stand up girls, and dry your eyes
And I’ll see you on the other side of good

Where we sing Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na

Everybody’s favorite girl
Doesn’t fake it anymore
I’m okay with who I am today
Everybody’s gotta change
I’m just doing what I can
Could you love me anyway?

Where we sing Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na

She says I won’t apologize
Stand up girls, and dry your eyes
And I’ll see you on the other side of good

Where we sing Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na Na,Na,Na,Nada,Nada,Na

Little Miss Mary Sunshine had a bad day
She says it’s overrated, living this way
-Saving Jane


I didn't mean to spend so much time away from the delight of le interweb, but I have only recently been able to use my own computer again and was not willing to risk leaving evidence in the history of my family's computer. And then I had a lot of crap to deal with before I was willind to put any effort into this again. So I'm back, but I havne't decided what to write about yet.

I found an icon I wanted to use, but I have to relocate it first, and I'm going through a massive icon-orgnizing-and-renaming spree, so that may take a bit.

I don't want this. This isn't the life I want. When did I ever I wanted this? I don't. How could I? I don't know how to get away. I don't know how to keep control. I'm stuck, I'm scared, I'm hurt and I don't want this. Why can't you make it go away?!

I was watching The Fountain. Very interesting movie. I have some thoughts which I may explore at a later time. But knowing me, I probably wont.
There is a scene in which Hugh Jackman's character has a private audience with the queen of Spain. The room they are in contains several rows of columns. At seeming random intervals, the space is filled with votive candles hanging at varying heights. I couldn't find a picture of the part of the room I'm talking about, but you can see what the candles look like in this one: 

http://www.imdb.com/gallery/ss/0414993/63008.jpg.html?path=gallery&path_key=0414993&seq=65 

I'm slowly gathering ideas for my dream house. As soon as I saw that scene I knew I wanted a room with candles set up like that. I think I want it to be a kind of sanctuary, prayer room type thing. Not like, some crazy alter to bow down and worship some deity or anything, but just a sacred, quiet place to sit and reflect, or pray, or meditate or whatever. Actually, I think it would make a very pretty setting for a small wedding. I think I'd paint all the walls black, so you'd only have candles for light, or maybe some small electric lights. Maybe have at least one wall be windows, with some kind of doors over them so I could totally block out the light. Maybe a skylight too. Now I'm thinking about having one wall face due east and one due west so I could open the door-windows and watch the sun rise and set. That would go well with a wedding, too, I think. Hmmm. I'll have lots of planning to do for this room.

I crave physical affection. I want so badly to be held, to hold someone's hand, to share a bed (literally, not metaphorically), to have someone to cuddle with. But I don't have that option right now. Even without a romantic relationship, I'm not sure I could have that kind of relationship with anyone I know. Maybe. I need to move on from hanging out with high school kids. Seriously. They're fun and all, but I need to hang out with people that aren't jail bait. Seriously

It's amazing how much finally vomiting can improve your life. Things aren't all fine and dandy. But I feel better. I had a migraine Saturday night and felt horribly nauseous. I fell asleep holding a plastic bag over the side of my bed, in case my stomach made up it's mind while I slept. It didn't, I ended up being sick in the morning, but after that the migraine disappeared, I got to stay home alone for a while. I've got a headache, but I've been up for eighteen hours.

I've been going through the icons I have saved on my computer. There are two or three that are perfect for this journal, plus about twenty more that would be fitting. I've only been through 225 of about a thousand. Yes, I know. Who the fuck needs a thousand icons? I do. But I've deleted some.

Deleting things feels good. I've been cleaning off my computer. This morning there was 0% free space on my hard drive. Now there's 21%. I know I'm really just cleaning it out so I can fill it with more junk. I wish I could be this motivated to clean my room. There's a lot here for me to let go of.

I can't take much more. I really can't. I don't know how to deal with this. How does one exist in a house that won't respect them? What do you do when saying that something hurts, only makes them do it more? How am I supposed to see this as a family? If this is what family is, I hope I'm killed immediately. I thought I'd left this behind. I thought he was responsible for all this. I'm so afraid. I can feel the thoughts, I don't want them, but I'm so afraid they're truth. I mean, if I can't get people to respect me, maybe I'm not worth it. I want to be able to turn to someone and get help, talk to a friend, but I don't know how to do that. I wanted this to be a place where I could get advice, to learn to turn to people, but I don't post in the communities I'm in, I don't know how to make friends otherwise. I was going to join the friend finder community, but they want me to post information that I can't reveal and still be anonymous. So I'm stuck friendless, and it only adds to my struggles. How am I ever going to fall in love with someone who will love me for me if I can't even be who I am, if I'm not even good enough for myself? I don't know what to do. I need a shower, but it wont be what I need and I'm afraid it will take me places I don't want to go.

I think I'm going to stay in my room all day, except to shower. I don't think I'll eat. And that scares me too. But I don't know what to do. I'm so scared. I have no where to run to, no where to hide, no one to turn to. I don't know how to deal with it, I don't want to go where I'm going, but I don't know what to do. I'm stuck. I don't know how to fix it. I was doing so good too. I hate holidays.

I need to remember that I'm worth something. I need to stop dwelling in old memories and feelings. I need to be good enough for myself.

I don't know how to measure my worth by anything other that what other people think of me, how they treat me. I fail to see any other way. But I guess I'm going to have to settle with learning to like myself enough for other people to like me.

The silly things slash fiction can do to me. Here: http://www.thehexfiles.net/viewstory.php?sid=8867&i=1   I haven't even read the others yet, and I'm crying.

I guess all I really want is to be loved. Or maybe to believe I'm worthy of being loved, that there's something in me that could be loved. I guess I don't really see those as separate. Like, if I'm worthy of being loved, if there's something in me to love, then I must be loved. But that's not really the case, is it? I have to let people see me, to see what there is, and let them love me. I guess that's going to have to wait until I start this new life I'm dreaming up. Until then, I guess I'm going to have to keep exploring where I can go, and I'm going to have to solidify the me I've dreampt up.

But more on all that later (maybe). I have a myspace blog of been planning for a few days. I should do that before it doesn't happen.

And I think some of those lines may end up in some poetry soon.
Did I mention I write poetry? I do. In fact, I just wrote something while I was editing this. I'm not sure where I'll post it yet. I think it will fit with the myspace blog, but it goes here too. But I wont post it both places, just to prevent me from being tied to myself.

I think I may be asexual. It scares me. I don't want to be.

I have other things I want to say, but I feel a need to post this now, first.

could you let down your hair be transparent for a while
just a little while
to see if you're human after all
honest is a hard attribute to find
when we all want to seem like
we've got it all figured out
Well let me be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
ain't gonna pretend like I do

just trying
to find my way
trying to find my way the best I know how

well I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say
but I'm working on it
maybe I'll master this art form someday
if I quote all the lines off the top of my head
would you believe
that I fully understand all these things I've read

I'm just trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way the best that I know how

well I haven't got it all figured out quite yet but
even if it takes my whole life
to get to where I need to be
and if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you and

trying
to find my way
trying
to find my way

trying
to find my way
I'm trying
to find my way
~Lifehouse

I guess that just fits right now. 

I had intended to start posting here sooner, but I got caught up i the first entry thing.  It's silly.  Yes, it's my first entry.  That doesn't mean it needs to be fabulous, or special.  That's not the point of this journal, to be fabulous, or special, or to make a point.  So that's where I start, the point.

I made this so that I could have a place to post things, with out worry about who would read them, by allowing everyone to read them, but with out knowing it's me.  I have other blogs, blogs some of my friends and family know about, but I'm confined by trying to be who I'm supposed to be, or who they think I am.  

This is therapy for me, I guess.  I don't share my whole self with everyone.  I hide alot.  So I'm going to stop hiding here.  I'm going to learn to stop hiding from myself.  I'm going to use this to come to terms with me.  And to explore my interests, some that people know about, some that only a select few know about, and maybe even some that I don't even know about yet.  One of these things is slash fiction.  While people know I support gay rights, they don't need to know that I read gay fan fiction.  


::sigh:: This had a direction, there were things I was going to say, but I've lost sight of them.  More later.